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And on my dying days everyone will throw a parade....
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in emotif187's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
Wednesday
January 11th, 2006 at 7:02pm
Got Game?
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
Thursday
January 5th, 2006 at 8:12pm
until the day we die....
i hardly update this anymore, wahts the point really?
no on reads its, no one even gets on here anymore.

lately, i dont know.....
ive been feeling weird.
random emotional breakdowns then sudden bursts of happiness.
shar and i are going on 6 months.
i never expected her to love me or deal with me for this long.
im graeful for that.
im crazy.
not as much as some, but i AM crazy.
i have major trust issues.
and im usually right when i dont trust someone.
ive gained soem friends lately.
but i jsut always have this one question going through my fucking head.
"WHAT IF?"
and tis with everything.
"what if i never make it in music?""what if i die tomorrow?""what if i end up being heart broken by this erson or that person""what if i dont make ti through high school?""what if i change for the worse?"
its insane.
i hate ot.

thats all for now for anyone who even reads this anymore.
<3
2 Got game| Got Game?
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
Sunday
December 18th, 2005 at 12:04am
stole it from shar, first in forever
Appearance
[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] have/I've had braces.
[] wear glasses.
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school.
[ ] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.
[x] I've skipped school.

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[] Disney movies still make me cry
[] I've peed from laughing.
[] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my pants rip in public

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[] I've been to Canada.
[] I've been to Mexico.
[] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] I've been to Europe.
[] I've been to Africa.


Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] I've eaten Sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[x] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.
[ ] I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've ran a red light
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[x] I've been arrested.
[x] I've shoplifted

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[a little more then less than regular] I regularly drink.
[x] I've passed out from drinking.
[x] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[x] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[used to, they didnt help] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[X] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[ ] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[i dont know honestly] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[x] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Political/Social Attitudes
[x] In general, I don't like people.
[x] I'm a feminist.
[x] I'm outgoing.
[x] I listen to political music.
[ ] I'm Democratic.
[ ] I'm Republican.
[x] I'm liberal.
[ ] I'm religious.
[x] I dress fairly modestly.

Random
[x] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ ] I love being neat
[ ] I love Spam
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally honest.


in all honesty, i hate these things... im bored and shar did one so i thought id do one in reply.

lately, ive been good. ive had fun. i love my girlfriend and my friends.
1 Got game| Got Game?
Saturday, November 5th, 2005
Saturday
November 5th, 2005 at 12:25pm
busy busy bee
packing
school
packing
school
packing
girlfriend
friends
packing
packing
packing


im moving to my new house today.
2 Got game| Got Game?
Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
Wednesday
October 26th, 2005 at 3:44pm
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
ill kill you if you touch her. i love her more then your life is worth.
Got Game?
Wednesday
October 26th, 2005 at 3:42pm

<img src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y18/emotif187/215482064_m.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">
i love her more then alot fo you, except for the Ov kids. id fuck em harder. just kidding. i love shar.

Got Game?
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
Saturday
October 22nd, 2005 at 2:23pm
break my neck angel, i never loved...
i fucking hate crying.
ive been doing it all fucking day.
everything is going bad.
the show alst ngiht went fucking horrible.
mics kept going out, jsut everything that couldve gone bad, did.
i more then likely cant see my girlfriend this week.
it fucking kills me when i cant see her.
shes crying, im crying.
im jsut upset cuz i dont know what to do anymore with anything.
im so confused about everything.
i love sahr, i enevr want us to break up.
i just need to se eher more and her and i both know thats probaly not gonna happen.
were never alone together.
we never see eahcother.
and eyt i fucking love her so god damn much.
i didnt wanna think about anythign after the show last night so i just got drunk.
ill prbably do the same tonight if i dont see shar.
i dot even know what to sa.
fuck everything right now.
jsut someone shoot me.
1 Got game| Got Game?
Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
Tuesday
October 11th, 2005 at 5:15pm
so this is me...
im the boy that supposedly raped you.
im the boy who supposedly talks alota shit.
im the boy who probably doesnt give a fuck about you.
im the boy who is on myspace.
im the boy that is preceived the completely wrong way.
im the boy your boyfriend doesnt like.
im the boy who is happy with his girlfriend.
im the boy you lie about.
im the boy you want to fight.
im the boy who called you a slut.
im the boy who doesnt regret a single fucking thing.
im the boy who will tell you right to your face what needs to be said.
im the boy who doesnt try to act tough to be cool.
im the boy who still likes good charlotte.
im the boy that gets upset when his girlfriend is upset.
im the ohiovania boy.
im the boy you have ahted since i was in 7th grade because of the band i was in with you.
im the boy that would die to just make sure my friends can be happy for atleast one second longer.
im the boy who knows he wants to do music more then you.
im the boy you see wlaking the halls alone and not really talking.
im the boy in the back of one of your classes staying quiet and writing and drawing.
im the boy in your class that will make everyone will stupid by showing how much common sense he has.
im the boy who is skinnier then you and your envious as fuck cuz of it.
im the boy who hates alot of white people, even though i AM white.
im the boy who can take criticizm and bad remarks.
im the boy who cant take compliments.
im the boy that you say were best friends.
im the boy who listens.
im the boy you wish you met.
im the boy you say you met.
im the boy you have never met a day in your life.
im the boy you heard about doing coke, or drinking, or smoking.
im the boy who only smokes and drinks.
im the boy who has more kids on his side then you can count.
im the boy thats got a bigger family then pamela andersons tits.
im the boy who tries to write good lyrics.
im the boy who tries to draw well.
im the boy who people tlak shit because they heard i talked shit on them.
im the boy who has a life outside of myspace.
im the boy who people think im crazy and do bad things.
im the boy who jsut lies aorund on the couch and play with his cat.
im the boy who would rather cuddle for eight hours on his couch then go out in public.
im the boy you used to see at shows alot but now only every once in a great while.
im the boy who has an open mind.
im the boy you love.
im the boy your parents hate.
im the boy your sister hates.
im the boy that ahtse your sister.
im the boy you are too afraid to talk to in school.
im the boy with 2000 something friends on myspace.
im the boy who has the best life right now.
im the boy with the greatest fammily he can ever imagine.
im the fucking boy who would kill just to make sure that no one would hurt his loved ones.

and im that fucking boy that wishes life could go perfectly but wont. im that god damn boy who you have no reason to hate or fight. im that asshole of a boy you call a friend. im that stupid excuse for a boy you call a boy friend. and im that slutty boy that would never ever fuck aorund with another girl when hes already in love.

Current Mood: calm
3 Got game| Got Game?
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
Wednesday
October 5th, 2005 at 3:18pm
this is our last dance...
hm...
nothing lately honestly.
got in a huge overblown bullshit fight with my girlfriend.
i then used my sweet tlakign charm.
made her feel better.
and no fuckers, i did not jsut say what i said to make her feel better.
i said it because it needed to be said eb cause i fucking love her.
so just shut it.
she was sad the other night.
all i gotta say about it, to her, is that id never do that to you and your sister shouldnt have a boy that does that either. but whatever.
i found out shars sister doesnt like us dating and would prefer her to date on of her friends and not me.
whatever.
i am not too fond of her anyways.
but i keep my mouth shut for the sake fo my grilfriend.
vaseline team has a show.
im stoked.
thats it.

i love you all.

Current Mood: content
1 Got game| Got Game?
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
Tuesday
September 27th, 2005 at 4:06pm
waiting to see the ghost of tragedy...
im home sick again. this is really fucking queer.
i miss my girlfriend real bad. i miss alot of things sometimes.
lately, i jsut wanna see my friends and family.
i miss being in a real band. yea vaseline team is gnar.
i want to make REAL music though.
i want to really be in a van right now touring.
i actually want that.
and lately, ive been really coming to terms with myself and how i act towards and around people.
im tired of hiding shit in. i know it didnt seem like that  before.

but i did.
im also really sick of myspace, well not exactly. just alot of people on it.
dont hit on me when i have a girlfriend. and dont hit on my girlfriend. especially since im dating her.
i only say this because i always get commetns and shit talking about how girls want me.
1. you souldnt, im the worst guy ever.
2. my girlfriend will kill you, ill let her  too.
and then there is this one boy who texts my girlfriend too much.
he texts her sometimes before i even do in the morning and i text her at around 6:30 every morning.
thats a little too overdone dont ya think?
no guys should be texting her that early.
i dont care if she talks to other guys, not in the least bit.
but when that boy fucking tryies to get out of my friends if they like me or not, and is probably doing it to tell my girlfriend.
then your looking to get hit.
now, im no way violent or anything, unless, you try to fuck me over or anyone i love over.
i dont fight.
i really dont.
but this kid is doing everything to piss me off.
i jsut dont like him, neither do my friends. they dont like him for their own reasons. not mine.

now...
as for anythign else. im happy.
im just a little under the weather thats all.
i know my girlfriend would never cheat on me, and if she did, she knows id find out. easily.
id never cheat on her. shes everything to me and i will not fuck that up.
andyou kids can say anything you want about us.
you can try to fuck us up, you can try to take her from me. you wotn succeed, trust me.
and if she ever did leave me, fine.
there wouldnt eb much i can do about it if she didnt wanna be with em right? exactly.
but if she ever cheated on me, though i sure as fuck know she wont, id leave her ass in a hot second and never talk to her again.
and thats understandable.
but she wont cheat, neither will i. we own eachother. we love eachother.no one will everrrr fuck that up.



i love my friends and sherleyne marie shearman, more than any of you ever will.


Current Mood: sick
1 Got game| Got Game?
Monday, September 26th, 2005
Monday
September 26th, 2005 at 5:02pm
Oh Angelfuck, it's a shame...
so this weekend.
AMAZING.

numberone reason.

I MET JERRY FUCKING ONLY!
THE REMAINING MISFIT!
I MET HIM!!!!!!!!!
i literally could die happy. i have a picture with him on my phone but i am still in the process of figuring that out. i no longer have picture mail so it wont send. gay.

i also saw
corpse bride it was amazing. i saw it with shar, james, bekka, kirk, kristin, and chris.

that made my weekend/life even better.



i officially can die happy.
i met a misfit.
i saw corpse bride.
i ahve the most amazing girlfriend ever.


Current Mood: chipper
1 Got game| Got Game?
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
Thursday
September 22nd, 2005 at 11:24am
baby, you got me allll wrong...
came home from school early, im sick yo.
you better fucking believe im going to school tomorow though, why you ask???
cuz the misfits show is tomorrow fucking night!!!!!!!!!
its gonna be fucking gnar brah!!!
im stoked.
afterwards, kirk is comin over, hes my skinhead brah. i love him.
were getting smashed with the vodka we stole from the drunk military man. i dont know if i told the story. i will some other time.
satruday, bekka and i are clenaing my room cuz im taking in her cat.
then were all going to see CORPSE FUCKING BRIDE!!!!!!
fuck anyone who thinks its gonna be gay.
its gonna be gnar.
then the girlfriend is staying the night.
hopefully i wont be tired.
cuz i wanan do it.
thats about it.
i love my true friends.
ya know, the ones who dont fuck me over for dumb brawds or lie to me.

ps. i love ian nelson jones. i miss him alot. hes my bro-brah fo life bitches. fuck with him, your fuckin with me.

Current Mood: sick
3 Got game| Got Game?
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
Tuesday
September 20th, 2005 at 4:15pm
I held the falling star and it wept for me dying....
soooo.....


shar wrote me a letter for our 2 month. i made her a cd and a drawing and then showed her up by writing a 7 fuckin paged letter. it was crazy. thank aderall for that kiddies. i love her so much. i was ognna type the entire letter on here. but im jsut too drained and ive been writing all day everyday for the past 2 days due to school and writing that letter. i really wanna get prescribed to aderall so i can be as focused as i usually am when im on it. thatd be really nice. it really does help me. i dont do it for drug usage. i do it to stay awake ins chool adn get all my work done adn to pay attention. its not a abd thing. im just not prescribed to it and i really should be. you can ask anyone, im fucking stupid. last year i never did homework cuz i didnt want to. this year, i hardly have had homework cuz ive been getting it done in school before i even get to my study hall. its amazing. ugh and just all day i think, would sahr want me to sleep in class and potentially fail? what my mom and dad? what kind of example am i setting for my little brother by doing that? so basically im not doing this for myself, though i should be. im doing it for my family and friends so they can be proud of me for something. and why not have it be from going to my first year of high school as a drugged out idiot who never went to school to liking school and wanting to learn and gettin what i need done? i mean, ugh, i dunno. i jsut know im extremely happy cuz of shar. i know i sound obsessive and i sound like david randall right now but shit dood. shes pretty much my reason for smiling nowadays. just alot is going right for me. some downers have come about, but im not letting that stop me. the vaseline team almost had a show but then all volume shows got cancelled. and that bites the big one. i was really looking forward to that. oh well. chris is grounded, i dunno.... his mom is just insane. he and katerina went back out without telling me. that hurt. and ig uess she broke up with him. honestly...i dont give a fuck. his choice. i know it would all fuck up and i dont care to the point where i dont even wanna say "i fucking told you so". its just meaningless and stupid. i understand he loves her, but why go back to a girl that has caused so much trouble and so much friction? thats the part i did not understand in the least bit. but whatever.

now onto other things...


david randall.
i know youll never read this unless your stupid ass girlfriend or her slutty friend goes through my shit as well and sees it. but your WERE my bro. and you broke the number fucking 1 rule. BROS BEFORE HOES. you decided to go with the hoe. and as for your lame ass girlfriend saying "i dont know what my boyfriend did to YOU people!" US PEOPLE!? who the fuck does she think she is!? he did nothing to us!? hmmm. and also she said "he did nothing to you" BAHAHAHAH BULLSHIT!!! david abandoned us for that tramp! he starts dating her and says he loves before he meets her! and the night he meets her...SHE SLEEPS WITH HIM!!!! if that fucking doesnt say slut, god only knows what does. i would say all of this to your fucking face right now but, of course, i cant get a hold of you. now, i understand youve been having a rough time. half- no most of it is from your pathetic excuse for a girlfriend. shes the one thats broken up with you countless times already. shes the reason why your going fucking broke. after all you do jsut buy her shit whenever, feed her, go back and forth from her house alot, and god knows what else...do you buy her dildos too? i mean fuck man, what happened to the david that said "were gonna be brothers for fucking ever man! nothing will ever break this family!!!"? HUH ASSHOLE!? obviously you forgot that. you obviously forgot that i was the first guy that youd call when you were upset about numerous things. much like when you found out jessica had led you on. who did you fucking call first crying and upset as fuck??? ME YOU FUCK! who flipped a bitch on her and told her they never wanted to have anything to do with her again??? AGAIN, ME YOU FUCK! i did alot for you man, as you did for me. but that obviously doesnt amount to shit to you now since you fucking decided that some bitch that somewhat resembles a man is better then the rest of us. and as for me egging your car....whatever. you know the truth deep down, whether you think i did it or not, you know the fucking truth. and your girlfriend needs to get over herself. bekka is honest and right, she cant always be under your watchful eye. she needs to jsut deal with her own problems before she does other people's. you both really need to take a good look at yourselves and eachother and think "hmmm, what do i like about them besides the fact that this is the only person that will sleep with me?" you need tog et everything fucking straight and then get back to me. i miss my bro. i miss my friend. i miss the guy whod pick me up when i was fucking having a nervous breakdown crying in my parking lot wanting to die right there. i miss the guy that would take me out to pungo at 3 in the morning jsut so we can hear voices adn see ghosts. i miss the guy that got piss wasted with me the 2nd fucking time i hung out with him and had one of the most intimate, heart felt, open, honest talks ever. i miss the guy that used to yell "MUTHA FUCKA JESUS!!!" with me. but i take it thats all fucking over. and like your shirt says david fucking randall, this pain is fucking real.



i love shar more than anything in the world and she is the white part to my black part in our ying yang. if she ever moved away, id join a church and become a devout christian and pray every fucking minute thatshe would come back to me.

Current Mood: rushed
3 Got game| Got Game?
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
Thursday
September 15th, 2005 at 4:35pm
i put it all on black...
soooooooooo.
this past week or so has been up and down.

school started.
girlfriend stayed over saturday.
alot of shit happened that night.
so much that it made me so fucking tired that id dint even want to have sex.
ME of all people didnt want t ahve sex.
but oh well.
me, chad, biggums, and anthony almost jumped a military man that night too.
he called us the N word and kikes and jews and shit.
yea, if you know me,i hate assholes like that.
so he just made my night hell honestly.
since then i ve jsut been going to school doing everything i can to be a good kid this year.
tomorrow is mine and shars 2 month.
i know thats not long to some people, but if you count the time where we were just tlaking...that is kind long. and im surprised that of all people, shes the girl who id be spending this much time with.
i never expected her to be this perfect, man was i fucking wrong. i love her. i really really do.
i cant lose her. but as they say "nothing gold can stay". so well see how everything goes.

but i do love her. with all that i am.

Current Mood: tired
Got Game?
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
Saturday
September 10th, 2005 at 5:10pm
who has to know???
so i really am addicted to "dirty little secret" by all american rejects.
its so damn poppy and catchy, adn yet they do it so fuckign well.
i love it.
ive been ok lately.
been on aderol all week for school. so ive been working all fuckignw eek.
last night was gnar, not reasons fr you assholes to know.
the girlfriend is staying the night.
im stoked.
danas haning out with us tonight.
that makes me even mroe stoked.
i dont have much to say.
peace bitches.

Current Mood: cheerful
1 Got game| Got Game?
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
Sunday
September 4th, 2005 at 5:04pm
IT CAN ALWAYS SUCK MORE!!!
rios got me listening to the "emo song". that shits real weak.
pretty fucking funny.
daver got me to listen to "it can always suck more" hotline.
thatsmade me feel better.
but i sitll feel like shit.
ive been writing alot lately.
its been kinda theraputic.
i guess.
i dunno.
i really feel like im getting treated as the new randall.
and thats pretty shitty.
ive done nothing along his lines.
i havent been ditching my friends.
i havent been not calling them.
i just think it would be fuct up that my best bro would get with my ex.
thats all.
there is more behind that but its no ones business of whats behind it all.
no ones telling me anything.
no ones calling me.
and its hurting real fucking bad.
past few days withd aver have been real nice.
gave me time to clear my head for a little bit.
but it really hasnt helped.
i jsut came home today and it kicked in again.
i really need ian and tyrone.
those guys can always help me.
they always listen and want to knwo the entire situation so they can tell me theyre opinion.
they would tell me if i had a problem or if i was over reacting or anything, theyd fucking tell me.
and i dont really have anyone here like that.
except for my girldfriend and daver.
and sometimes my girlfriend wont even tell me what she wants or what shes thinking, and that is shitty too.
am i really that shitty of a person that people cant tell me things?
i mean... i take criticism, i take opinions, so why the fuck cant anyone tell me them?
im a big boy now.
im gonna deal with shit my entire life so why not jsut fucking tell me if you dont wanna see me or anything?
im jsut really upset and really moody.
i feel like a pregnant black woman.
i just gotta figure out whats going on.
and no one will tell me who chris' girlfriend is! WTF!!!!!

if im shitty or normal.
please let me know.
thats all i ask of everyone of the people that consider me a friend.

Current Mood: blank
1 Got game| Got Game?
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
Wednesday
August 31st, 2005 at 12:59pm
this has been daily...
everyday i always just get really frustrated adn want to be locked in my room with a pack of ciggarettes, some pot, and alcohol. that way i can jsut pass out and be away for just a little while. instead of being people 24/7. i dont knwo waht to think right now. about alot of things. i love my girlfriend. this si getting so hard. but were gonna work through it. i just want to have the perfect life and thats not happening. im tired of people leaching onto music cuz its the cool thing nowadays. ive been wanting to be in a band since i was 9 fuck years old. and when some of my best friends say "dood, go to college! why arent you going!?" BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM DOING WITH MY LIFE! im gonna be in a god damn van and tour my ass off. im gonna make it in this fucking business. fuck ANYONE who doesnt believe me and wont put faith in me. you dont know what id fucking do to be able to have a full abnd to my own, not sharing members with friends bands, and to fucking tour. kids try to tell em theyve always wanted to be in a band...no you havent. thats just what you think you need to do to be a patron of the "scene" and the sad part is, is that i know kids, who are my dear friends, who are like that. they say theyve wanted to always be in a band, but really itsd been their life long dream of about 9 months. they havent been in as many bands or written as many fucking songs as i have and they havent sat there and worked until the wee hours of the fucking morning jsut so you can get a full song together. you dont know what it means to me to be in a fucking band. you never will. its the only thing i have to fall on. and its all im ever going to fucking do. ill be 55 and still rocking out. i wanna be the next fucking band to get a big tour and have people go"they dont deserve it" well guess what fuckers...we do. dont get pist cuz ur band sucks. ive put too much time into my life right now to fuck this al;l up. i NEED to be the singer of a band. its the only thing i know im good at. and no, i dont wanna sound like AS I LAY DYING or ATREYU or UNDEROATH. i wanna sound like all of my influences put together in one fucking song. im tired of everyone getting their vocals to sound just like the guy from AILD or underoath. its people like that that will not make it. yes, you do have to have a hook or an edge to you that some other bands have, but you also need to make it your own. kids dont know how to do that. they say they do. they say therye shit is original, but its not. they dont wanna admit it. so they lie. so fuck anyone who has no respect for music or the people that are dying to make it. cuz i know im dying with a music note engraved into my fucking casket.

Current Mood: aggravated
1 Got game| Got Game?
Monday, August 29th, 2005
Monday
August 29th, 2005 at 1:49pm
moonlight's a green light for the devil hawk...
ugh...
lately.
ive seen the girlfriend like once a week. it sucks pretty bad.
school starts in a week.
im actually kind of anxious.
ive written 4 songs and did 2 drawings.
and they make me happy.
heres the songs.

"step up to the plate jesus!"
where is hope when you need it?
ive lost it all and now im losing you.
take a knife to their sides
do it from behind
kill what some have help build

this is a mutiny
a takeover by fiction
cover your face with your mask
make us all believe in something
that you dont even know is real

caped crusaders are speakers of religions
and the young ones, theyre killing the instruments
oversaturate a screaming "angel"
your almighty doesnt even want this.

imposters. fakes. frauds. liars. believers.


"dr frankentein meets ron jeremy"
hes stripping you to the bone
trying to rebuild
trying to remold you.
breaking all the binds apart.

ill bring him torture
ill bring him pain
ill make him wish he was never alive again

hes starving himself
hes killing your friends
after this meal, well make it his end

say good night to your loving fiance
she never told you i was in there before
this is what you get for cheating on her
theres nothign wrong with killing a whore


"rome is a nightmare of ruins"
they built this with their bleeding hands.
id resurrect it if i could
its heart could be whole again
but the rest will let it flatline

these columns are nothing but pebbles now
the wars were all lost
and i cant step in as ceasar

this was not a 24 hour birth
years in the making and gone in a day
everyone from here has moved away

the blood of this mini metropolis was sucked dry
they used dr kovorkians machine
the community has whiped the slate clean

our persoanl rome is gone...


"lion haired bastard child"
dont call me crying saying its nothing
i know your lying, just give it up
and you should know im here no matter what
all ive got for you is undying love

he doesnt deserve you
he doesnt deserve life
ill sned him into the sky
just to watch him plummet to hell

there are no need for tears
well just make sure hes gone
take the picture out of the broken frame
ill make you forget his name

no need to say good bye
well see you in the afterlife
burning in the flames
your deception is what brought you your fame.




first song: christian "metal" and how some of the people just say it to say it. not cuz they blieve it.
second song: lets just put it this way. dont hurt the people i love.
third song: sharon pennsylvania.
fourth song: read the second song again.



i love my friends and family. that will neevr change. and some "friends" believe its ok to ditch your bros for hoes. never have i done that. never will i. girls come and fucking go. bros are awlays there. unless you pick the girl. then youll lose all your bros.

Current Mood: apathetic
1 Got game| Got Game?
Monday, August 15th, 2005
Monday
August 15th, 2005 at 1:05pm
wow.

i'm only home a week.

and ive been through too much shit.
way too much shit.
its ridiculous.

came back home monday.
tuesday- car accident.
wednesday- finally saw my girlfriend.
i cant remember if it was thursday or friday- 187 gets into alot of shit, ad were gonan sue aor were getting sued. thats the furthest im going besides, dont eblieve what some asshole sent you about 187 on mysapce. thos guys are assholes and the reason why i hate big clothing companies.

friday- fun time with james bekka and chris.
saturday- nothing really. hung out with bekka james and biggums.

YESTERDAY- amazing. all day spent with teh girlfriend. it was the best. i love her and yea, it was just gnar. nothing will get better then her and i's relationship.

today- i dont knwo what im doing. well see.

tomorrow- me and the girlfriends 1 month. its gonna eb awesome.



Current Mood: blah
1 Got game| Got Game?
Friday, August 12th, 2005
Friday
August 12th, 2005 at 9:39am
to get everyone off my back...
ok. i know im skinny, i have a problem with that. i hate it. and by telling me everytime you see me "fuck your skinny! holy shit!!!" it starts to sink in even worse. so unless im joking around about it, im nto comfortable with it.

and myspace... im honestly considering deleting mine. i dont know. i probably wont. i just hate how all these girls leave stupid things to say. like, "OMFG YOU SO LOOK LIKE BILLY FROM GC@#$! SOooOO HaWt!!!!" i hate that shit, do you know how many times a day i got that before myspace? like 3 times. and thats been since the first dayive been listening to GC which was when i was like 11. im 16 now, get over it.

cant even post a bulletin tlaking about how i need a drummer. i get stupid messages froms tupid girls saying "if i lived near you id play!!!" adn thy live in like kentucky and probably wouldnt try to play, theyd probably try to play me and james. not the drums.

my girlfriend flipped a bitch on my mysapce. im probably never getting comments again because of it. whatever.

i just being looked at like im so good looking and so amazing. im really not. i only post bulletins to comment my new pictures to give other people something to do. people tell me how good looking i am and how gorgeous i am and how they take me home and blah blah blah. i dont like it. no girl should want to take me home, or think im beautiful or anythign of that sort.

im just being a big hypocrit right now.
i dont know.
i suck.

bye.
3 Got game| Got Game?
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